I chose negative for awhile without even realizing it. I didn’t know how much energy these emotions drained me or that I could do something about them.
Can Anger Really Turn Into Love?
We hear a lot about forgiveness and how life can’t move forward without it. But, sometimes forgiveness means different things to different people.
For a long time when a link or interview came through social media about forgiveness, I thought I’m not angry with anyone, no one’s angry with me. I don’t feel I have any real enemies or people who hate me, so I’m all good in the forgiveness area, right?
Wrong!
Here’s one situation of how my anger and hatred turned into gratitude and love five years after my mother passed away.
Mom and the Urgent Care! (a memory that no longer bothers me)
It was my habit to stop by my parent’s home after work and see how their day was going. They both had grown weaker because of previous heart attacks in earlier years. Because of their heart conditions they were on blood thinners and quite accustomed to the hematoma that showed up often on their arms, hands, and legs.
On this particular day, mom was at the kitchen table, looking pale and weaker than normal. I noticed her leg loosely wrapped in a stained dish towel and there were trickles of blood that seeped from the bottom. “What happened,” I asked. She explained that she had bumped a large hematoma on the front of her leg.
“It’s just bleeding a tiny bit,” she said.
When I asked when this happened, her response was that it had occurred as she poured her morning coffee. It had been sort of oozing all day, and of course I wanted to take her directly to the emergency room. As always, she argued. Mom hated hospitals and said after a bad experience with a previous lung surgery that she would never go back, and she meant it!
Mom wagged her finger at me and said, “Just wrap the towel tighter. It will stop.” I knew upon inspection of the six inch area where the skin had split, that it wasn’t going to stop. So I suggested maybe the urgent care about a mile away. She finally agreed.
Mom was relieved when the young doctor on duty that evening said he was certain he could stop the bleeding with some cauterization. He explained that it would be uncomfortable. (Believe me uncomfortable was not quite the right word choice.) I’ll never forget Mom’s pain or the smell of burning skin that evening. In the end, it worked, the bleeding stopped. Poor Mom was exhausted.
The Anger Began
I truly despised that doctor and urgent care for torturing my mom and hated myself for even suggesting it in the first place. As Mom healed I thought it was over, but the memory came back every time I passed that urgent care building. After Mom died I felt more anger, hatred, and dreaded the tears that always came. Even when I glanced away I knew that horrible place was still there. I tried to choose different routes when I could to my destinations. For almost five years I carried this hurt, anger, and sadness on my heart.
Until One Day
I headed to the expressway when the usual emotions hit. Tears slipped from my eyes and slid down my cheeks as I sped by the urgent care sign. As I reached for a tissue, it was as if Mom knocked me upside the head and said, “Okay, that’s enough!” The next thought I had was in her voice, it was as if she was in my head and saying, “That pain, was gruesome, but it kept me out of the hospital, and for that I’m eternally grateful to you, and also to that doctor in urgent care.”
Where Did That Come From?
Whoosh! I had prickles at my neck and knew in my soul that was Mom’s true feelings and since she was grateful, I needed to be too.
And boom, my whole perspective changed! Now I bless and send love to that urgent care and to all the people within every time I go by. I thank it for keeping my mother out of the hospital that evening so long ago.
My Lesson
I hadn’t realized forgiveness was what my situation needed. I had to forgive myself, the building, and the doctor who treated Mom before I could let it go.
The one thing I’ve learned and learned well is, “When love verses hate, love always wins! It’s such a better way to live!”
“When we forgive: the past stays the past-but the future is up for positive possession.” PRF
What triggers your anger? Is there someone or something you need to forgive?
Shall I send Mom to knock you upside the head? Haha!
With Love,
Patti Rae
